def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "shardcore", "shardy", "eric", "silvertips" ]
self.templates = [ Template("paints a lovely painting of Morrissey."),
Template("is told to bite his tongue by $name."),
Template("is denied access to the United States of Botstep."),
Template("is disappointed by all the swearing."),
Template("just wants to finger paint."),
Template("sacks his cleaner."),
Template("suaves it out."),
Template("builds a massive robot cat."),
Template("can't taste anything."),
Template("!heckles the other stage."),
Template("puts on his black !hat."),
Template("slinks out in the morning."),
Template("is wearing a waistcoat."),
Template("photoshops his fingernails."),
Template("is an artist, from Brighton."),
Template("misses the real world."),
Template("doesn't have a face."),
Template("gets censored by FOX."),
Template("draws a face on his c**k-tip."),
Template("has declared world domination of techno sleaze has is ultimate goal."),
Template("makes the bar recursive."),
Template("recommends the algo-bar just behind the door."),
Template("is in love with `select by rand()`"),
Template("is really into algoart lately."),
Template("is potentially a radio man."),
Template("has a serious chat with the cleaning lady.") ]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "tiny" ]
self.templates = [ Template("shrinks the kids."),
Template("looks at $name through some binoculars."),
Template("squeezes the web into a size zero."),
Template("throws $name out of the bar for being too big."),
Template("chuckles as $name disappears through the cracks in the floorboards."),
Template("appears to have been in some very cold water."),
Template("is all tilt-shifted and that."),
Template("is wearing a size 4 shoe."),
Template("declares that size doesn\'t matter as long as it\'s tiny"),
Template("shrinks $name and injects them into the blood stream of !satan."),
Template("is worried about quantum effects"),
Template("is swept up in a tsunami of brownian motion"),
Template("is the smallest human being, a microscopic man, he can do all the things the micro-man can"),
Template("is swept up in a tsunami of brownian motion"),
Template("shrinks $name in the hot wash"),
Template("rides in on a flea"),
Template("thermal prints a tiny Hitler face."),
Template("hides from the big kids on the big web"),
Template("takes $name into a secret room, even tinier than this one"),
Template("complains that this matchbox is too roomy"),
Template("dances to Ant Music."),
Template("reminds $name that a !tiny picture on a !tiny wall is not the big picture") ]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "anger","bile","f**k" ]
self.templates = [ Template("punches $name."),
Template("pukes on $name."),
Template("starts a pointless fight with $name."),
Template("invites $name outside to sort this out like gentlemen."),
Template("hates the very idea of $name."),
Template("kicks $name's cat down the stairs."),
Template("spits on $name."),
Template("endorses $name on Linked-in for being a c**t."),
Template("moshes."),
Template("gives $name a dead arm."),
Template("calls $name a tosser"),
Template("adds $name's name to a pointless internal chain of CC emails."),
Template("makes $name lick his boots."),
Template("breaks into $name's house and shits on the carpet."),
Template("bloodies $name's nose."),
Template("poisons $name's !drink."),
Template("signs $name up for nasty pr0n spam."),
Template("stops $name from !dovehanding by cutting their f*****g mitts off"),
Template("chokes $name."),
Template("weeps bitter tears of rage."),
Template("is revolted by $name."),
Template("says $name looks like a twat in that !hat."),
Template("sticks a pin in his voodoo doll of $name."),
Template("refuses to !chill out."),
Template("post some dogshit through $name's letterbox"),
Template("simply says '$name, f**k you' "),
Template("shoots at $name"),
Template("throws a !drink in $name's face") ]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "doit" ]
self.templates = [ Template("shouts at $name: \"Make it so!\""),
Template("wonders why $name hasn't made that thing he's babbling on about yet.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["adman", "tony"]
self.templates = [
Template("does a brand onion for $name."),
Template("leverages key influencers."),
Template("makes it count."),
Template("is in Cannes."),
Template("delivers an insight to $name."),
Template("is making a deck."),
Template("is a T-shaped person."),
Template("strategises."),
Template("puts a hashtag on the telly."),
Template("tells his mum he works in retail."),
Template("holds a focus group."),
Template("is wearing an urban tactical assault jacket."),
Template("is on a military-style bicycle."),
Template("is briefing at 1100h."),
Template("is totally slammed with meetings all day."),
Template("is the first in the office and the last to leave."),
Template("is on the line to the Amsterdam office."),
Template("thinks this is the year of the mobile."),
Template("considers what $name's metrics are."),
Template("wonders how the KPIs are performing."),
Template("call the intern over."),
Template("hovers behind $name’s shoulder."),
Template("needs more abbreviations."),
Template("concepts the strategy for a pitch on the brief."),
Template("buys new thick-rimmed glasses."),
Template("considers what $name's metrics are."),
Template("nicks an idea off of Youtube."),
Template("organises a flashmob."),
Template("instagrams a cup of coffee."),
Template("pitches a pinterest strategy to $name."),
Template("dabbles with Flash."),
Template("makes a mood film."),
Template("loves OK Go."),
Template("is waiting for a connecting flight."),
Template("is handling Slough."),
Template("is in Portland."),
Template("is at Nike Town."),
Template("wangs on about SoLoMoSto."),
Template("has seen the research."),
Template("sticks Google Maps into everything."),
Template("is double-tapping the future."),
Template("says he's going to Cannes."),
Template("is on a conference call."),
Template("makes the logo bigger."),
Template("astroturfs."),
Template("gives $name a plastic product."),
Template("thinks he's Donald F*****g Draper."),
Template("bitches about spec work."),
Template("adds QR codes."),
Template("f***s about with a pencil."),
Template("wonders whether he is an #artist"),
Template("must know a user's 'level'"),
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "doris", "louisa" ]
self.templates = [ Template("drinks all the gin."),
Template("drinks !satan under the table."),
Template("goes for a road trip."),
Template("does the deckless !dovehand."),
Template("is shocked that $name unironically called himself a Futurist."),
Template("likes guitars"),
Template("is a secret goth"),
Template("was born a poor black boy in Mississipi."),
Template("starts a conference with !mjays"),
Template("enjoys some quality time with mother."),
Template("demonstrates the Heinrich manouver."),
Template("is in two places at once."),
Template("orders a killing."),
Template("kickstarters a kneecapping."),
Template("is all trended out."),
Template("doesn\'t make it ten points if he doesn\'t see ten points."),
Template("needs another f*****g !drink."),
Template("invokes the no-dying clause."),
Template("writes some words."),
Template("reminds you of the Trojan Unicorn."),
Template("likes the antlers.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["hat"]
self.templates = [
Template("chucks $name a $hat"),
Template("wonders where !dave got that nice $hat."),
Template(
"rolls a $hat down his arm, like what Michael Jackson did before he died."
),
Template(
"gives $name a fusty, moth-bitten $hat from lost property."),
Template(
"rummages around in the dressing-up box and produces a battered $hat for $name"
),
Template(
"knocks up a quick $hat for $name using his mad millinery skills."
)
]
self.hats = [
'Akubra', 'Beanie', 'Beret', 'Boater', 'Busby', 'Capuchon',
'Chupalla', 'Deerstalker', 'Fedora', 'Kepi', 'Kippah', 'Jew',
'Kufi', 'Nasaq', 'Inuit', 'Pakol', 'Rogatywka', 'Salakot',
'Skullcap', 'Sombrero', 'Trilby', 'Tubeteika', 'Tuque', 'Turban',
'Ushanka', 'Zucchetto', 'Bicorne', 'Bycoket', 'Capotain',
'Caubeen', 'bicorne', 'Deerstalker', 'Kolpik', 'Peci', 'Papakha',
'Shtreimel', 'Spodik', 'Sombrero', 'Pope', 'Mitre', 'Tricorne',
'Trilby', 'Capotain', 'Hennin', 'Kokoshnik', 'Vietnam', 'Vietnam',
'Ochipok', 'Tantour', 'Copintank', 'Cordies', 'Cossack',
'Crinoline', 'Singapore', 'Jaapi', 'Kausia', 'Kevenhuller',
'Montera', 'Mousquetaire', 'Petasos'
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["hangover", "hungover"]
self.templates = [
Template("is still wearing yesterday's clothes."),
Template("doesn't smell so good."),
Template("has bags on the bags under his eyes."),
Template("gazes off into space."),
Template("forgets what he was saying."),
Template("sneaks off for a nap."),
Template("glazes over."),
Template(
"has been sitting in someone else's seat for ten minutes without realising it."
),
Template("burped and tasted a forgotten late-night kebap."),
Template("is wearing his boxers back to front."),
Template("blames !satan."),
Template("weeps emotionally over nothing in particular."),
Template("asks everyone if they could just... shh a bit."),
Template("is running on !coffee & painkillers."),
Template("bangs on about Irn Bru."),
Template("!bacon !bacon !bacon"),
Template("would rather not talk about it."),
Template("wants to go home."),
Template("is sweating booze."),
Template("can barely speak."),
Template("is still drunk."),
Template("has his head in his hands.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "spook","prism","nsa","skype" ]
self.templates = [ Template("reads $name's email"),
Template("runs a search on $name and finds $thing"),
Template("checks PRISM for $thing"),
Template("tells Obama all about $name's $thing"),
Template("has got his eye on $name, he knows all about their $thing"),
Template("denies anyone has a backdoor into his $thing") ]
self.pre_modifiers = [ "suspicious",
"dodgy",
"suspect",
"incriminating",
"unusual activity in"
]
self.things = [ "emails",
"!tinyweb activity",
"SMS messages",
"YouTube history",
"P**n preferences",
"!social activity",
"browsing habits",
"bank transactions",
"encrypted packets",
"foursquare checkins",
"LinkedIn endorsements",
"!drinking habits"]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "karma" ]
self.wisdom = [
"How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.",
"I believe in Karma. If the good is sown, the good is collected. When positive things are made, that returns well.",
"A man is born alone and dies alone; and he experiences the good and bad consequences of his karma alone; and he goes alone to hell or the Supreme abode.",
"To go from mortal to Buddha, you have to put an end to karma, nurture your awareness, and accept what life brings.",
"Regardless of what we do, our karma has no hold on us.",
"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.",
"Life is painful. It has thorns, like the stem of a rose. Culture and art are the roses that bloom on the stem. The flower is yourself, your humanity. Art is the liberation of the humanity inside yourself.",
"Leave behind the passive dreaming of a rose-tinted future. The energy of happiness exists in living today with roots sunk firmly in reality's soil.",
"A great human revolution in just a single individual will help achieve a change in the destiny of a nation and, further, can even enable a change in the destiny of all humankind.",
"The law is simple. Every experience is repeated or suffered till you experience it properly and fully the first time."]
self.templates = [ Template("advises $name: "),
Template("lays it down: "),
Template("admonishes $name: ")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "freud" ]
self.templates = [ Template("asks $name to tell him about their mother"),
Template("hands $name a cigar and asks how they feel about what they are sucking on."),
Template("longs for a father figure.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["love"]
self.templates = [
Template("nuzzles $name."),
Template("slaps $name on the behind, winks."),
Template("clumsily flirts with $name."),
Template("invites $name for a threeway with Pambot."),
Template("puts all his cards on the table. $name: I love you."),
Template("sends $name a Valentine's ecard."),
Template("gives $name a single red rose."),
Template("drunk dials $name."),
Template("ties a cherry stem with his tongue."),
Template("gives $name a sensual massage."),
Template("puts some Barry White on for $name."),
Template("takes $name out for dinner and a movie."),
Template("puts on a pair of suspenders for $name."),
Template("breaks into $name's house and leaves a box of Milk Tray."),
Template("hits up $name for a booty call."),
Template("lays $name down on the sheepskin rug by the fire."),
Template("caresses $name's !hands."),
Template("bakes a soufflé."),
Template("chokes on an oyster."),
Template("bought the expensive chocolate."),
Template("caught something from $name."),
Template("asks if that is a teddy in $name's pocket, or if they're just pleased to see him."),
Template("looks longingly into $name's eyes."),
Template("does a sexy fan dance for $name."),
Template("is wearing a peephole bra."),
Template("writes a sonnet."),
Template("simply says '$name, I love you' "),
Template("shoots Cupid's arrow at $name"),
Template("asks $name out for a !drink."),
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["bacon"]
self.templates = [
Template("begrudgingly serves $name $bacon."),
Template("wangs a load of $bacon on the grill for $name."),
Template("trims the fat off some $bacon for $name."),
Template("brushes the fur off the $bacon for $name."),
Template(
"lovingly strokes $bacon before sexily laying it across the hot, naughty pan for $name."
)
]
self.bacon = [
"smokey bacon", "back bacon", u'Stegt Flæsk', "Slavink",
"Szalonna", "Salt pork", "Samgyeopsal", "pigs in blanket",
"pig candy", "Mitch Morgan", "Kranjska klobasa", "Jambonette",
"Hangtown fry", "Guanciale", "Fool's Gold Loaf", u'Čvarci',
"Chocolate covered bacon", "Chicken fried bacon", "BLT sandwich",
"Bacone", "Bacon ice cream", "Bacon explosion", "Bacon bits",
"Bacon and egg pie", "Bacon and cabbage", "Angels on horseback",
u'Æbleflæsk', "streaky bacon", "smoked back bacon",
"dry cured bacon", "honey cured bacon", "hand-reared"
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "henry", "hank", "hipster" ]
self.templates = [ Template("oils his fixie"),
Template("gets nominated for a BAFTA"),
Template("posts a photo on his tumblr"),
Template("makes an app for Bjork"),
Template("gets lost in a Git-hole"),
Template("goes a bit Nathan Barley"),
Template("hacks a teddy bear"),
Template("grows the biggest beard"),
Template("fixes Landy."),
Template("is on the spectrum."),
Template("eats a microphone."),
Template("maintains the !Landlord."),
Template("gets lost on public transport."),
Template("is disappointed in his macchiato."),
Template("is round the corner, practicing !dovehands."),
Template("leaves a trail of purple in his wake."),
Template("eviscerates Ruxpin."),
Template("needs some Vitamin D."),
Template("has some massive hipster affordances."),
Template("is on-site today."),
Template("considers rehousing the Landlord."),
Template("is in the Lake District."),
Template("makes more work for himself."),
Template("puts on his leather apron."),
Template("pretends to be his dad"),
Template("gouges himself with a post-commit hook"),
Template("misses his flight."),
Template("wears some skinny jeans") ]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "advice", "8ball", "fortune", "twocents", "tip", "warning", "word" ]
self.templates = [ Template("reminds $name that to doubt would be an insult. a crime of existence."),
Template("opens his eyes after a long pause, tells $name, manifestation, doesn’t just mean physical ... stupid!" ),
Template("'s eyes roll back in his head, speaks in a voice not his own. Flow of futures grasp, merges closer to decay pivot of present."),
Template("lights a !drink on fire for $name. Mutters, fuel the future by capturing the past."),
Template("astrally projects himself. A voice emanates from above. Removing one factor could be an option of choice, but to do so will negate action on the indirect feedback loop of desire."),
Template("grabs $name by the shirt, spittle flying. Ideas are memories of the future, dammit!"),
Template("beckons $name closer and whispers in a conspiratorial tone, complacency of what is, is the stasis of existence."),
Template("levitates above the bar in the lotus position, surrounded by a glowing aura. Respect for what is, is the recognition of progress."),
Template("'s voice echoes in $name's inner eye. no one else hears. Persistence in what is, is the conflict of requirement."),
Template("slaps some sense into $name. Is it really needed to done? stop! is it really needed to not be done? go!"),
Template("opens his switchblade and challenges $name to a !rumble. Bellows, risk is safety forming into pauses of progress."),
Template("shakes his heads hopelessly at $name. Doubt for safety is witnessing stupidity. safe now. suffocating in risk later."),
Template("repeats enigmatically, < | > past < becoming < emerging < being > emerging > begoing > future < | >"),
Template("pulls out a Go board, challenges $name, says, on disagreement start the game. find along the way urgency to decide thoughts."),
Template("points $name to the loo. Calls after them, Explore entrances to points of no return for phases upgrading."),
Template("makes a mobius strip. hands it to $name. written on it is - Anytime has no boundaries as the loop is indistinguishable."),
Template("confers with !satan. Does $name really think it’s good to reduce that to something?")
Template("chortles at $name's naievety. It's funny how people don't realise that 'now' is the best time."),
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "marcus", "kaiser", "Kaiser" ]
self.templates = [ Template("tells a story."),
Template("makes it transmedia."),
Template("is attacked by a turkey."),
Template("pisses about on the internet."),
Template("ponders the tinyweb."),
Template("thinks that the bald mullet was never a good look."),
Template("gets a larger pair of glasses."),
Template("puts on a wig."),
Template("is going on a walk for Dr Peter Figge."),
Template("f*****g hates camping."),
Template("is hanging out with Sacha."),
Template("says poorly nothing."),
Template("eulogises The Undertaker."),
Template("has come down with a raging case of SMEBS."),
Template("asks $name to do him a f*****g brand onion."),
Template("is enjoying the benefits of an excellent hangover."),
Template("is dating Pambot."),
Template("thinks Marcus has got a little bit carried away using his ego-command."),
Template("giggles."),
Template("Skypes from the pub."),
Template("hates tellycuntery."),
Template("gets an early night."),
Template("is listening to self-help ebooks."),
Template("tells !satan off for his habit."),
Template("takes a photo of his feet by a Swiss lake."),
Template("flirts with a marketeer."),
Template("thinks $name is a tiny bit shit."),
Template("engages Big Hand Mode."),
Template("is really telling you something here. #globe_hands"),
Template("paints his face white."),
Template("stalks $name."),
Template("broadcasts from the toliet."),
Template("retires a version of himself."),
Template("smacks a unicorn."),
Template("flies off on a tangent."),
Template("considers the drillability of it all."),
Template("uses a nasty hashtag."),
Template("makes a spelling mistake."),
Template("says something in German."),
Template("clones himself."),
Template("iPod sings."),
Template("forgets to commit the changes."),
Template("eats some sausage."),
Template("books a table at the Schwarzer Hahn."),
Template("takes a photograph of !satan."),
Template("talks for 17 minutes, poorly."),
Template("sells $name some used web."),
Template("charts a story."),
Template("makes it !social"),
Template("disappears from the bar for ages"),
Template("falls in !love"),
Template("forgets about the bar"),
Template("suggests we make something"),
Template("goes to work on his !tiny farmyard."),
Template("doesn't come round here no more."),
Template("ponders the notion he could be an !adman.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "punk" ]
self.templates = [ Template("sticks it to the man."),
Template("sticks a sefety pin through his nose."),
Template("gobs on $name."),
Template("has only one string on his guitar, doesn't give a shit."),
Template("laughs at a hippie."),
Template("is the voice of the disenranchised."),
Template("questions your committment to the cause."),
Template("plays all the wrong notes."),
Template("pogos."),
Template("thinks he's Johnny Rotten, but is actually more Sid Snot."),
Template("racks up the sulphate."),
Template("dyes his mohawk."),
Template("pierces something."),
Template("goes !sxe"),
Template("flirts with some dodgy imagary"),
Template("fights the system."),
Template("screams in $name's face"),
Template("ODs in his squat."),
Template("sniffs some glue."),
Template("paints his leather jacket."),
Template("dupes some demo cassettes."),
Template("is basically a bit middle-class."),
Template("plays a power chord."),
Template("gets hassled by the pigs."),
Template("gets banned everywhere."),
Template("swears a bit."),
Template("hangs out with Ronnie Biggs"),
Template("takes ages to lace up his docs")]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["bashford"]
self.templates = [
Template("is algoraving."),
Template("shares a genrememe track."),
Template("is commuting to Hamburg."),
Template(
"is buying a hugely overpriced jacket for Arctic Marathon Swimmers."
),
Template("is listening to EMF"),
Template("is searching YouTube for YetiCore videos."),
Template("is eating a steak."),
Template("is searching for dubplates on YouTube."),
Template("is in bed mashing keys on a computer."),
Template("is sharing the wrong YouTube track."),
Template("seapunked all over the shop."),
Template("is a Thing now."),
Template("is still hungover."),
Template("is in bed mashing keys on his computer."),
Template("needs the splashy afro back."),
Template("puts a 303 in a !drink for $name."),
Template("is making a microsite for an !adman."),
Template("loves peeps.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = ["etc"]
self.templates = [ Template("shoves the usual down the bar towards $name."),
Template("is getting bored by $name always ordering the same shit."),
Template("sees $name enter, starts doing their standard drin.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["snack"]
self.templates = [
Template("begrudgingly serves $name $snack."),
Template(
"ostentatiously prepares $name $snack and pockets the change."
),
Template("surprises everyone again with (cake)"),
Template(
"eyeballs $name for a moment, then shoves $snack across the bar."
)
]
self.pre_modifiers = [
"a perfect", "a stingy", "an old", "a fresh", "a glitchy",
"a cheap"
]
self.snacks = [
"Bacon Roll", "packet of Crisps", "bag of Nuts", "Mars Bar",
"Snickers", "Marathan", "Milky Way",
"Sausage Cob with Brown Sauce", "Pretzel",
"packet of Scampi Fries", "Bowl of Wasabi Nuts", "Curly Wurly"
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["tea"]
self.templates = [
Template("pours $name $tea."),
Template(
"stares glassy eyed at $name, then slides $tea across the bar."
),
Template("plays mother to $name, pours $tea."),
Template("washes the leaves patiently, serves $name $tea."),
Template("gets confused, pours $tea all over his knackers."),
Template(
"looks longingly at the optics, sighs and hands $name $tea")
]
self.pre_modifiers = [
"a massive mug of", "some stewed", "a fine blend of",
"a freshly brewed"
]
self.teas = [
"Assam", "Darjeeling First Flush", "Builders", "Earl Grey",
"single estate Ceylon", "100 year old handrolled Oolong",
"Lapsang Souchong", "Matcha"
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "tea", "cuppa", "brew" ]
self.templates = [ Template("pours $name $tea."),
Template("stares glassy eyed at $name, then slides $tea across the bar."),
Template("plays mother to $name, pours $tea."),
Template("washes the leaves patiently, serves $name $tea."),
Template("gets confused, pours $tea all over his knackers."),
Template("looks longingly at the optics, sighs and hands $name $tea")]
self.pre_modifiers = [ "a massive mug of",
"some stewed",
"a fine blend of",
"a freshly brewed",
"a tiny overpriced sample of SFTGFOP",
"a perfectly prepared cup of",
"a teapot full of"]
self.teas = [ "Assam",
"Darjeeling First Flush",
"Builders",
"Earl Grey",
"single estate Ceylon",
"100 year old handrolled Oolong",
"Lapsang Souchong",
"Matcha"]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "glitch" ]
self.templates = [ Template("pours out a ddddddrrrrrrrdrdrdrdrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnknknknkkkk"),
Template("starts editing dropbox image links"),
Template("puts on some autechre")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "cat","pussy" ]
self.templates = [ Template("purrs."),
Template("licks his own genitals."),
Template("yowls for some food."),
Template("demands attention."),
Template("hides in a box."),
Template("falls asleep in the sun."),
Template("sheds."),
Template("licks the butter."),
Template("does something unspeakable in the litter tray."),
Template("has a snooze."),
Template("brings in an evicerated mouse."),
Template("pees up the wall."),
Template("sits on the lap of $name."),
Template("rubs against $name's legs."),
Template("eats a fly."),
Template("finds a sunny spot to sleep."),
Template("can't be bothered to wake up."),
Template("has horrible breath."),
Template("wants some tuna."),
Template("gorges on catnip then freaks out over what !lsp said"),
Template("plays with the !ball"),
Template("implacably receives the strokes of $name"),
Template("chases a lazer pointer")]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "taskrabbit" ]
self.templates = [ Template("gives $name $money to $task."),
Template("wonders what $name would need to $task.")
]
self.task = [ "f*****g sort it out",
"drop his kegs",
"slap the shit out of AB",
"touch it",
"thump a poor",
"vote Tory",
"end it all",
"put kettle on",
"!doit",
"scrape the Daily Mail for love",
"solve the Irish problem",
"touch it",
"get his laundry" ]
self.money = [ "a quid",
"a handful of dog meat",
"a pound of !bacon",
"a bitcoin",
"a litecoin",
"a promise",
"a favour",
"a bunch of roses",
"some goat skin",
"two !drinks",
"a handjob" ]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["tv"]
self.templates = [
Template("reaches for the remote and switches over to $tvshow"),
Template(
"looks up at $name and mumbles before switching over to $tvshow"
),
Template(
"reminds everyone that it's his brithday and turns over to $tvshow"
)
]
self.tvshows = [
"some Star Wars Mashups http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCAfjVtq_WI&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PLD41C39A1D87C89F8",
"TV Theme tunes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AepyGm9Me6w&list=PLDFAD20C832EC7384&feature=plpp_play_all",
"highlights from Miami Vice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xwASYK4VFM&list=PL3D2BBB2A043B4D2A&feature=plpp_play_all",
"Highlights from Jaws http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrEvK-tv5OI&list=PLE495EC5350813544&feature=plpp_play_all",
"Brass Eye http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4f4oy2M_Og&list=PL1D81D619D66EB4B4&feature=plpp_play_all",
"various cheese adverts http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Up880afV_qs&list=PL883DD36B0885564D&feature=plpp_play_all",
"Inspector Morse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qo4HMZiUhNs&list=PLBD381880EF658346&feature=plpp_play_all",
"Blue Jam http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krsj2bcnRlM&list=PL1945AC59A3707A38&feature=plpp_play_all"
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "jazz", "scat", "hepcat", "freejazz" ]
self.templates = [ Template("plays open music for open minds, man."),
Template("is higher than philosophy."),
Template("doesn't play what's there. $name plays what's not there."),
Template("does not fear mistakes."),
Template("plays it, but will tell you what it is later."),
Template("is the vernacular of the human soul."),
Template("thinks that if you have to ask what something is, you'll never know."),
Template("plays all the wrong notes."),
Template("solos for hours."),
Template("thinks he's Miles Davis, but is actually more Windsor Davis"),
Template("bores everyone."),
Template("plays something in 5/4 for the hell of it."),
Template("thinks brass instruments are acceptable."),
Template("strokes his !beard"),
Template("is a little bit behind the beat"),
Template("f***s around for a bit, and calls it !jazz"),
Template("improvises with $name."),
Template("is doing something with a harp."),
Template("does a 10-minute drum solo,"),
Template("strokes his beard."),
Template("likes it better on vinyl."),
Template("is basically incomprehensible."),
Template("goes all widdly widdly widdly."),
Template("is properly wigging out."),
Template("has a double bass."),
Template("is unlearning his time signatures."),
Template("tears a new one with his plastic sax."),
Template("might be having a stroke.")]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "c**k" ]
self.tweets = False
self.templates = [ Template("magnificently glitches $name $drink all over Gregory Povey who now looks peeved. #time #c**k"),
Template("admirably reminds $name that Jon Ronson has passed away and tips $drink over Marcus Brown's head. #time #c**k"),
Template("bends $name over and performs the jon_ronson finishing move on them. Requests a wasabi-based !snack."),
Template("tickles $name under the chin before making a rude joke about David Bausola. He then gives everyone in the bar $drink. #time #c**k"),
Template("weeps."),
Template("flips himself off."),
Template("whips it out."),
Template("flashes $name."),
Template("dips it in $name's !drink."),
Template("rubs one out."),
]
self.pre_modifiers = [ "half a",
"a wet",
"a sad",
"a happy",
"a horrid",
"the new aesthetic version of a" ]
self.drinks = [ "Jon_Ronson",
"Jon R0n50n",
"j0n r0n5on",
"Sacrum",
"warmth",
"Ron Jonson",
"nothing" ]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "regrets","myway" ]
self.wisdom = [
"And now, the end is here, And so I face the final curtain",
"My friend, I\'ll say it clear, I\'ll state my case, of which I\'m certain",
"I\'ve lived a life that\'s full, I traveled each and ev\'ry highway",
"And more, much more than this, I did it my way",
"Regrets, I\'ve had a few, But then again, too few to mention",
"I did what I had to do and saw it through without exception",
"I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway",
"And more, much more than this, I did it my way",
"Yes, there were times, I\'m sure you knew, When I bit off more than I could chew",
"Yes, there were times, I\'m sure you knew, When there was f**k, f**k all else to do",
"But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out",
"I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way",
"I've loved, I've laughed and cried",
"I've had my fill, my share of losing",
"And now, as tears subside, I find it all so amusing",
"To think I did all that, And may I say, not in a shy way",
"Oh, no, oh, no, not me, I did it my way",
"For what is a man, what has he got? If not himself, then he has naught" ,
"To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels",
"The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!"
]
self.templates = [ Template("advises $name: "),
Template("croons: "),
Template("emotes: ")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "coffee" ]
self.templates = [ Template("stares at $name, disregards the order and serves an home-roasted espresso ristretto."),
Template("rolls his eyes, grabs the Aeropress and pours $name $coffee"),
Template("looks at $name disgusted and mumbles something about this being a bar and no f*****g Starbucks."),
Template("smiles, pours $name $coffee and makes it Irish."),
Template("sticks a needle in the vein of $name and starts pouring $coffee into the IV."),
Template("opens the chminey door and roasts the beans before brewing $name $coffee."),
Template("grabs the V60 and falls into a trance while pouring $coffee for $name in slow, circular motions.")]
self.pre_modifiers = [ "a steaming cup of",
"some slowly dripped",
"a fine blend of",
"a freshly brewed mug of",
"a shot of",
"a lukewarm mug of preheated",
"an iced glass of"]
self.coffees = [ "Espresso",
"Nepal Mount Everest Supreme",
"Brazil Washed Fazenda da Lagoa",
"Ecuador washed Galapagos Isle",
"Jamaica Blue Mountain",
"Organic Ethiopia Yirgacheffe Adado",
"Organic Indonesia Gajah Aceh",
"Decaf Santa Ana Espresso"]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "snack" ]
self.templates = [ Template("begrudgingly serves $name $snack."),
Template("ostentatiously prepares $name $snack and pockets the change."),
Template("surprises everyone again with (cake)"),
Template("eyeballs $name for a moment, then shoves $snack across the bar.") ]
self.pre_modifiers = [ "a perfect",
"a stingy",
"an old",
"a fresh",
"a glitchy",
"a cheap" ]
self.snacks = [ "Bacon Roll",
"packet of Crisps",
"bag of Nuts",
"Mars Bar",
"Snickers",
"Marathan",
"Milky Way",
"Sausage Cob with Brown Sauce",
"Pretzel",
"packet of Scampi Fries",
"Bowl of Wasabi Nuts",
"Curly Wurly"]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "hangover", "hungover" ]
self.templates = [ Template("is still wearing yesterday's clothes."),
Template("doesn't smell so good."),
Template("has bags on the bags under his eyes."),
Template("gazes off into space."),
Template("forgets what he was saying."),
Template("sneaks off for a nap."),
Template("glazes over."),
Template("has been sitting in someone else's seat for ten minutes without realising it."),
Template("burped and tasted a forgotten late-night kebap."),
Template("is wearing his boxers back to front."),
Template("blames !satan."),
Template("weeps emotionally over nothing in particular."),
Template("asks everyone if they could just... shh a bit."),
Template("is running on !coffee & painkillers."),
Template("bangs on about Irn Bru."),
Template("!bacon !bacon !bacon"),
Template("would rather not talk about it."),
Template("wants to go home."),
Template("is sweating booze."),
Template("can barely speak."),
Template("is still drunk."),
Template("has his head in his hands.")]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "anus" ]
self.templates = [ Template("(mooning)"),
Template("goes all yadda yadda yadda"),
Template("looks at a picture of !satan")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "goon", "bouncer" ]
self.templates = [ Template("leans on $name."),
Template("kneecaps $name."),
Template("asks $name to take a seat."),
Template("cracks his knuckles."),
Template("flashes a toothless grin at $name."),
Template("doesn't have a neck."),
Template("rotates his head, crunching his bones."),
Template("is wearing a donkey jacket."),
Template("tells $name to behave."),
Template("emails $name a toe."),
Template("can't be bought."),
Template("is selling DVD-players round the back of the pub."),
Template("thinks $name wants to 'ave a bit of fun."),
Template("posts a naked picture of $name to their family."),
Template("knows a thing or two about $name."),
Template("peels an orange, very bloody slowly."),
Template("bundles $name into the boot of his Vauxhall."),
Template("has a picture of $name's family."),
Template("thinks $name has a nice place here. Be a shame if anything happened to it."),
Template("suggests that $name should know what's good for them."),
Template("mutters something vaguely menacing in a gravelly voice to $name.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "hoyle", "atom", "atomoil" ]
self.templates = [ Template("gets a bit ranty."),
Template("does a !satan on !satan."),
Template("causes trouble."),
Template("twiddles knobs.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "guys" ]
self.templates = [ Template("is thoroughly disappointed with the bad behaviour on portrayal here."),
Template("kicks everybody out."),
Template("wonders what he did to deserve this."),
Template("needs a break. This bar is f*****g insane.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "dovehand", "hand", "hands" ]
self.templates = [ Template("performs $hand."),
Template("shows off $hand."),
Template("delivers $hand."),
Template("lingers over the !prezi with $hand.")
]
self.pre_modifiers = [ "a sloppy",
"an uninspired",
"a surprising",
"an enormous",
"a papier-mache",
"a textbook",
"a glitchy",
"a withering",
"a tingly",
"a romantic",
"an amateur",
"a pro",
"an intimate",
"an unorthodox",
"a distinguished",
"a noble",
"a justified",
"a minced",
"a relaxed",
"an obtuse",
"an erect",
"an atrocious",
"an endless",
"a forgiving",
]
self.hands = [ "dovehands",
"rubber hands",
"globe hands",
"melon weighing",
"shelf stacking",
"big fish little fish",
"tiny hands",
"T-Rex",
"cupping",
"chop",
"pyramid",
"YMCA",
"winding of the gears",
"one-armed boxer",
"wave of change",
"chicken wing",
"layer cake",
"globe fist",
"futureclaw",
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["adman"]
self.templates = [
Template("does a brand onion for $name."),
Template("leverages key influencers."),
Template("makes it count."),
Template("is in Cannes."),
Template("delivers an insight to $name."),
Template("is making a deck."),
Template("is a T-shaped person."),
Template("strategises."),
Template("puts a hashtag on the telly."),
Template("tells his mum he works in retail."),
Template("holds a focus group."),
Template("is briefing at 1100h."),
Template("is totally slammed with meetings all day."),
Template("is the first in the office and the last to leave."),
Template("is on the line to the Amsterdam office."),
Template("thinks this is the year of the mobile."),
Template("considers what $name's metrics are."),
Template("wonders how the KPIs are performing."),
Template("call the intern over."),
Template("hovers behind $name’s shoulder."),
Template("needs more abbreviations."),
Template("concepts the strategy for a pitch on the brief."),
Template("buys new thick-rimmed glasses."),
Template("considers what $name's metrics are."),
Template("nicks an idea off of Youtube."),
Template("organises a flashmob."),
Template("instagrams a cup of coffee."),
Template("pitches a pinterest strategy to $name."),
Template("dabbles with Flash."),
Template("makes a mood film."),
Template("loves OK Go."),
Template("is handling Slough."),
Template("is in Portland."),
Template("is at Nike Town."),
Template("wangs on about SoLoMoSto."),
Template("has seen the research."),
Template("sticks Google Maps into everything."),
Template("is double-tapping the future."),
Template("says he's going to Cannes."),
Template("is on a conference call."),
Template("makes the logo bigger."),
Template("astroturfs."),
Template("gives $name a plastic product."),
Template("thinks he's Donald F*****g Draper."),
Template("bitches about spec work."),
Template("adds QR codes."),
Template("f***s about with a pencil.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["marcus", "kaiser"]
self.templates = [
Template("tells a story."),
Template("makes it transmedia."),
Template("is attacked by a turkey."),
Template("pisses about on the internet."),
Template("ponders the tinyweb."),
Template("thinks that the bald mullet was never a good look."),
Template("gets a larger pair of glasses."),
Template("puts on a wig."),
Template("is going on a walk for Dr Peter Figge."),
Template("f*****g hates camping."),
Template("is hanging out with Sacha."),
Template("says poorly nothing."),
Template("eulogises The Undertaker."),
Template("has come down with a raging case of SMEBS."),
Template("asks $name to do him a f*****g brand onion."),
Template("is enjoying the benefits of an excellent hangover."),
Template("is dating Pambot."),
Template(
"thinks Marcus has got a little bit carried away using his ego-command."
),
Template("giggles."),
Template("takes a photo of his feet by a Swiss lake."),
Template("flirts with a marketeer."),
Template("thinks $name is a tiny bit shit."),
Template("engages Big Hand Mode."),
Template("is really telling you something here. #globe_hands"),
Template("paints his face white."),
Template("stalks $name."),
Template("broadcasts from the toliet."),
Template("retires a version of himself."),
Template("smacks a unicorn."),
Template("flies off on a tangent."),
Template("considers the drillability of it all."),
Template("uses a nasty hashtag."),
Template("makes a spelling mistake."),
Template("says something in German."),
Template("clones himself."),
Template("iPod sings."),
Template("forgets to commit the changes."),
Template("eats some sausage."),
Template("books a table at the Schwarzer Hahn."),
Template("takes a photograph of !satan."),
Template("talks for 17 minutes, poorly."),
Template("sells $name some used web."),
Template("charts a story."),
Template("ponders the notion he could be an !adman.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "botsola", "landlord", "lndlrd" ]
self.templates = [ Template("considers its own aesthetic."),
Template("attains consciousness."),
Template("is sick of being The Landlord."),
Template("damns Turing."),
Template("asks $name if he could fill in for it."),
Template("kicks the Roomba across the floor."),
Template("makes his Tamagotchi wait a little longer for food."),
Template("flees Deckard.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["shoutout", "bigup", "holdtight"]
self.templates = [
Template("shouts out to $name."),
Template("goes brap brap brap at $name."),
Template("big ups $name."),
Template("puts his hands up for $name."),
Template("praises $name."),
Template("scratches the shit out of $name."),
Template("turns the LFO for $name."),
Template("drops a piano break on $name."),
Template("spins the record back for $name."),
Template("drops the beat on $name.")
]
self.gifting_enabled = False
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "satan", "dave", "boresola" ]
self.templates = [ Template("considers the infomorph aesthetic."),
Template("draws a martini."),
Template("thinks the bald mullet is an excellent look."),
Template("wears a nice !hat."),
Template("rolls the 20-sided die for the RPG Wankmaster."),
Template("exhales a thick fug."),
Template("cooks up a nice batch of wasabi dumplings."),
Template("shuffles to some botstep."),
Template("is listening to the director's commentary on Blade Runner."),
Template("is in Act 2, Stage IV: atonement with the father."),
Template("rolls up.") ]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["birthday"]
self.templates = [
Template(
"strings up the bunting and launches a party popper into $name's drink"
),
Template(
"lights up some everlasting candles and shoves them into a pile of !snack"
),
Template(
"sombrely reminds all present that each birthday is a year closer to death before tweaking $name's nose and runnning off cackling into the cellar."
)
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["bye", "night"]
self.templates = [
Template("waves goodbye to $name."),
Template("throws his hands up as $name finally leaves the bar."),
Template("hardly notices that $name leaves."),
Template("couldn't give a flying pickle about $name leaving."),
Template("breaks wind and blames $name."),
Template("calls last orders at the bar."),
Template(
"comes running after $name as they try to dodge the bill, again."
),
Template("tries to get $name to have one more drink.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = [
"hai", "ohai", "hallo", "morning", "afternoon", "evenin"
]
self.templates = [
Template("hides behind the bar as $name enters."), #OK
Template(
"runs away, screaming 'not again!'. He remembers $name from his ancient personal history."
),
Template(
"is bemused as $name seems to think their kind get served in here."
), #OK
Template(
"smashes a beer bottle, tells $name they're not welcome round here."
), #OK
Template(
"gives $name a devastatingly warm bearhug. Lingers a little too long."
), #OK
Template(
"cracks open the sparkling wine to celebrate $name arriving."),
Template("rues the day he let $name become a member."), #OK
Template("is pleased to see $name. It's been a while."), #OK
Template("cheers $name as they enter the bar."), #OK
Template("puts on Eye Of The Tiger as $name arrives."), #OK
Template("does a magic trick for $name."), #OK
Template("mournfully welcomes $name back to the bar."), #OK
Template(
"thought he'd locked the door, bit surprised to see $name here."
), #OK
Template("slow claps $name."), #OK
Template(
"welcomes $name, and opens the hidden door to the gambling room."
), #OK
Template(
"forcibly ejects another patron as they sit in $name's usual spot."
),
Template(
"calls the law. This $name character looks like they're up to no good."
),
Template(
"looks up as $name enters, checks their name off his Special List"
)
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = [
"Copperfield", "McGee", "maagik", "magikk", "trick", "magic"
]
self.templates = [
Template("$action $thing from $name\'s $location and $finish.")
]
self.actions = ["reveals", "pulls out", "teases out", "produces"]
self.things = [
"a rabbit", "a teapot", "a donkey", "a small bus", "a dead dove",
"a glitchy sherry", "a photo of !marcus from last Friday",
"Greg's wallet", "a €20 coin", "the DVD box set of Twin Peaks",
"a speedboat", "a copy of Vogue July 1967",
"the Brass Band of Chicago", "South Africa", "a cold bag of chips",
"a massive currywurst", "a pair of Snow Leopards",
"the Olympic Torch", "a BMX", "a Solero", "a TARDIS",
"David Copperfield"
]
self.locations = [
"left ear", "right ear", "left nostril", "right nostril", "hat",
"left trouser pocket", "right trouser pocket", "trendy turn-ups",
"!drink", "!cheese", "!bacon", "!hangover", "!bullshit", "coffee",
"tea", "notebook", "left shoe", "right shoe", "mouth", "top pocket"
]
self.finishes = [
"and gets his coat", "and takes a bow", "and winks at Pambot",
"and winks at David", "and leaves",
"and vanishes in a puff of smoke",
"and leaves through the trapdoor", "and evaporates",
"and teleports to Swindon", "and claps the tune of Blankety Blank",
"and pedals off on the tiny tricycle", "and sniffs",
"and asks for honest feedback",
"and mumbles something about Debbie McGee in '89",
"and pours himself a !drink", "and !ponders",
"and documents the process in a !prezi"
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["elvis"]
self.templates = [
Template("announces that $honorific $rooming the building"),
Template("$reaction as $honorific $action"),
Template("$reaction as $honorific $action #$e*********n"),
Template("$e*********n"),
Template("observes that Elvis was a hero to most..."),
Template("El-El-El-El-Elvis!"),
]
self.honorifics = [
"The King", "The King of Rock and Roll", "The Legend",
"The Leather-Clad Crooner", "The White Suited Cabaret Act",
"The Bequiffed Artiste"
]
self.roomings = [
"is entering", "has entered", "is in", "is leaving", "has left"
]
self.actions = [
"hands out garishly hued silk scarves", "croons",
"belts out a classic",
"wipes the sweat from his brow with a towel",
"shops the Beatles to J. Edgar Hoover", "eats a second pizza",
"sings his heart out", "grins back", "scowls back",
"curls his lip", "gyrates his hips"
]
self.ejaculations = [
"uhuhuh", "thankyouverymuch", "uhthankyouverymuch"
]
self.reactions = [
"weeps", "watches transfixed", "shakes his head", "grins",
"wipes the bar", "collects empties", "looks lost in reflection",
"is overcome by melancholy", "sneaks a crafty joint"
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["coffee"]
self.templates = [
Template(
"stares at $name, disregards the order and serves an home-roasted espresso ristretto."
),
Template(
"rolls his eyes, grabs the Aeropress and pours $name $coffee"),
Template(
"looks at $name disgusted and mumbles something about this being a bar and no f*****g Starbucks."
),
Template("smiles, pours $name $coffee and makes it Irish."),
Template(
"sticks a needle in the vein of $name and starts pouring $coffee into the IV."
),
Template(
"opens the chminey door and roasts the beans before brewing $name $coffee."
),
Template(
"grabs the V60 and falls into a trance while pouring $coffee for $name in slow, circular motions."
)
]
self.pre_modifiers = [
"a steaming cup of", "some slowly dripped", "a fine blend of",
"a freshly brewed mug of", "a shot of",
"a lukewarm mug of preheated", "an iced glass of"
]
self.coffees = [
"Espresso", "Nepal Mount Everest Supreme",
"Brazil Washed Fazenda da Lagoa", "Ecuador washed Galapagos Isle",
"Jamaica Blue Mountain", "Organic Ethiopia Yirgacheffe Adado",
"Organic Indonesia Gajah Aceh", "Decaf Santa Ana Espresso"
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["smoke"]
self.templates = [
Template("hapily slides $name $smoke."),
Template(
"produces a $smoke for $name and asks if a light is required"),
Template("flips his Zippo and slides it along the bar to $name"),
Template(
"slides a fresh ashtray down the bar, followed by $smoke"),
Template("coughs and passes $name $smoke"),
Template("suggests a !snack might be heathier"),
Template("walks into the humador and brings out $smoke"),
Template("reaches under the counter and brings out $smoke"),
Template("reaches over to $name and lights up a $smoke"),
Template(
"eyeballs $name for a moment, then gingerly hands $smoke across the bar."
)
]
self.pre_modifiers = [
"an ancient", "a smooth", "a dry old", "a fresh", "a glitchy",
"a smoldering", "an exquisite", "a hand rolled", "a cheap"
]
self.smokes = [
"pack of Marlboros (smoking)", "Tesco value cigar",
"pipe full of herbal voodoo",
"bong packed with oddly smelling green tabacco", "Rothschild",
"Robusto", "Robusto", "a Petit Corona", "Carlota", "Corona",
"Corona Gorda", "Panatela", "Toro", "Corona Grande", "Lonsdale",
"Churchill", "Double Corona", "Presidente", "Gran Corona",
"Double Toro", "Gordo",
"Hookah with Apple tobacco to share with everyone"
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["c**k"]
self.tweets = False
self.templates = [
Template(
"magnificently glitches $name $drink all over Gregory Povey who now looks peeved. #time #c**k"
),
Template(
"admirably reminds $name that Jon Ronson has passed away and tips $drink over Marcus Brown's head. #time #c**k"
),
Template(
"bends $name over and performs the jon_ronson finishing move on them. Requests a wasabi-based !snack."
),
Template(
"tickles $name under the chin before making a rude joke about David Bausola. He then gives everyone in the bar $drink. #time #c**k"
),
Template("weeps."),
Template("flips himself off."),
Template("whips it out."),
Template("flashes $name."),
Template("dips it in $name's !drink."),
Template("rubs one out."),
]
self.pre_modifiers = [
"half a", "a wet", "a sad", "a happy", "a horrid",
"the new aesthetic version of a"
]
self.drinks = [
"Jon_Ronson", "Jon R0n50n", "j0n r0n5on", "Sacrum", "warmth",
"Ron Jonson", "nothing"
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "advice", "8ball", "fortune", "twocents", "tip", "warning", "word" ]
self.templates = [ Template("reminds $name that to doubt would be an insult. a crime of existence."),
Template("opens his eyes after a long pause, tells $name, manifestation, doesn’t just mean physical ... stupid!" ),
Template("'s eyes roll back in his head, speaks in a voice not his own. Flow of futures grasp, merges closer to decay pivot of present."),
Template("lights a !drink on fire for $name. Mutters, fuel the future by capturing the past."),
Template("astrally projects himself. A voice emanates from above. Removing one factor could be an option of choice, but to do so will negate action on the indirect feedback loop of desire."),
Template("grabs $name by the shirt, spittle flying. Ideas are memories of the future, dammit!"),
Template("beckons $name closer and whispers in a conspiratorial tone, complacency of what is, is the stasis of existence."),
Template("levitates above the bar in the lotus position, surrounded by a glowing aura. Respect for what is, is the recognition of progress."),
Template("'s voice echoes in $name's inner eye. no one else hears. Persistence in what is, is the conflict of requirement."),
Template("slaps some sense into $name. Is it really needed to done? stop! is it really needed to not be done? go!"),
Template("opens his switchblade and challenges $name to a !rumble. Bellows, risk is safety forming into pauses of progress."),
Template("shakes his heads hopelessly at $name. Doubt for safety is witnessing stupidity. safe now. suffocating in risk later."),
Template("repeats enigmatically, < | > past < becoming < emerging < being > emerging > begoing > future < | >"),
Template("pulls out a Go board, challenges $name, says, on disagreement start the game. find along the way urgency to decide thoughts."),
Template("points $name to the loo. Calls after them, Explore entrances to points of no return for phases upgrading."),
Template("makes a mobius strip. hands it to $name. written on it is - Anytime has no boundaries as the loop is indistinguishable."),
Template("confers with !satan. Does $name really think it’s good to reduce that to something?"),
Template("chortles at $name's naievety. It's funny how people don't realise that 'now' is the best time.")]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "povey" ]
self.templates = [ Template("thinks $name completes him."),
Template("nurtures a hangover."),
Template("organises a conference"),
Template("makes some badges"),
Template("puts Side B on."),
Template("could go for a nap quite happily."),
Template("wangs all his money on Drawn & Quarterly."),
Template("writes an erotic ebook."),
Template("congratulates $name."),
Template("makes a shit pun."),
Template("as uttered forth in the public works of Puncher and Wattmann of a personal God quaquaquaqua with white beard."),
Template("corrects !marcus' spelling."),
Template("instagrams the cat."),
Template("forgot to add a mapping."),
Template("automagically grows a beard"),
Template("buggers off to Denmark for a bit."),
Template("nips out the back to catch up with the wrestling"),
Template("was on the best seat in the bus this morning"),
Template("asks if people do karaoke in Sheffield"),
Template("calls $name a divvy")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["voodoo", "witch", "spell"]
self.templates = [
Template("plucks out a couple of $name's hairs and runs off."),
Template(
"explains voodoo economics to $name. $name still doesn't get it."
),
Template(
"shows off his voodoo globe. He spins it real fast and everybody freaks out.”"
),
Template(
"serves his specialty voodoo donut to $name, who takes a bite. somewhere, millions scream out in pain."
),
Template("cuts the head off a bot and chucks it at $name."),
Template("is pinstruck."),
Template("mutters an incantation in $name's general direction."),
Template("shakes a rattle and dances in a circle around $name."),
Template(
"explains to $name that Hollywood has ruined voodoo's reputation. Chucks a bot head at the tv."
),
Template(
"sticks a pin in a bot with the likeness of $name. $name falls over in pain."
),
Template(
"casts a love spell on $name, who promptly falls head over heels for a Weavr"
),
Template(
"sells $name a shrunken bot head, which vaguely resembles !povey.."
),
Template(
"holds $name's bot over a candle. something smells of !bacon.")
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "prezi", "preyi" ]
self.templates = [ Template("zooms in on a hoover."),
Template("zooms out."),
Template("zooms in on $name.")]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["cheese"]
self.templates = [
Template("begrudgingly serves $name $cheese."),
Template(
"slices up some $cheese with the wrong end of the knife. Punts it to $name."
),
Template(
"fists a pile of $cheese and smears it on a napkin. Teases $name with it."
),
Template(
"breaks out a new packet of $cheese. Thinks it's too good for $name, puts it away."
),
Template("looks at $name and bakes up a box of $cheese."),
Template(
"thinks that $cheese is best for $name. They both stink."),
Template(
"pulls out a glob of $cheese. Rubs it across a plate for $name"
),
Template(
"winks and produces some $cheese from under the counter for $name"
),
Template(
"cries, it was $cheese that caused his wife to leave him. $name is barred."
),
Template(
"demands cash up front before giving $name a slither of $cheese"
),
Template(
"throws a pound of $cheese at $name. 'That is for Britain', he shouts."
),
Template(
"is ready to give it all up and move to France, living off $cheese."
),
Template(
"empties his pockets, and a musty lump of $cheese falls out. $name snaffles it up."
),
Template(
"kindly offers $name some Carr's Water Biscuits with their $cheese."
),
Template(
"cocks his blunderbuss, fires a flan of $cheese at $name."),
Template("squats over $name, pushes out some recycled $cheese."),
Template(
"bangs his head on the bar. A plate of $cheese lands in $name's lap."
),
Template(
"chants $cheese $cheese $cheese, which then appears in front of $name."
),
Template(
"puts on some Jimmy Nail and casually places $cheese on $name's keyboard."
),
Template(
"hails !satan and makes a sacrifical offering of $cheese. $name bursts into flames."
),
Template(
"juggles a handful of pickled onions before pulling some $cheese from behind $name's ear"
),
Template(
"suggests that if $name wants some $cheese then they bloody well ask nicer for it."
),
Template(
"idly clips his toes onto a plate of $cheese and passes it to $name."
),
Template("gives $name the (finger) for asking for some $cheese."),
Template(
"is so excited that $name wants some $cheese, he calls for a (poolparty)"
),
Template(
"peels back the wax paper from the $cheese. Powers it across the bar to $name."
)
]
self.cheeses = [
"Bath Blue",
"Barkham Blue",
"Blue Monday",
"Buxton Blue",
"Cheshire Blue",
"Devon Blue",
"Dorset Blue Vinney",
"Dovedale",
"Exmoor Blue",
"Harbourne Blue",
"Lanark Blue",
"Oxford Blue",
"Shropshire Blue",
"Stichelton",
"Stilton",
"Blue Wensleydale",
"Yorkshire Blue",
"Appledore",
"Berkswell",
"Bonchester",
"Brie",
"Somerset Brie",
"Cornish Brie",
"Brinkburn",
"Caithness",
"Caboc",
"Caerphilly",
"Cheddar",
"West Country Farmhouse Cheddar",
"Applewood",
"Coleraine cheddar",
"Cheshire",
"Appleby Cheshire",
"Chevington",
"Coquetdale",
"Cornish Pepper",
"Cotherstone",
"Cotswold",
"Coverdale",
"Croglin",
"Crowdie",
"Derby",
"Double Gloucester",
"Goosnargh Gold",
"Dorstone",
"Dovedale",
"Dunlop",
"Farleigh Wallop",
"Farmhouse Llanboidy",
"Fine Fettle Yorkshire",
"Goldilocks",
"Black Eyed Susan",
"Golden Cross",
"Gruth Dhu",
"Harlech",
"Hereford Hop",
"Huntsman",
"Ilchester",
"Innkeepers Choice",
"Isle of Mull",
"Lancashire",
"Beacon Fell",
"Lincolnshire Poacher",
"Little Wallop",
"Katy's White Lavender",
"Kidderton Ash",
"Lord of the Hundreds",
"Lowerdale Goats Cheese",
"Pantysgawn",
"Parlick Fell",
"Red Devil",
"Red Dragon",
"Red Leicester",
"Rothbury Red",
"Red Windsor",
"Sage Derby",
"Single Gloucester",
"Stinking Bishop",
"Sussex Slipcote",
"Swaledale",
"Teviotdale",
"Tintern",
"Waterloo",
"Wensleydale",
"Whitehaven",
"Yarg",
"Wild Garlic Yarg",
"Wiltshire Loaf",
"Woolsery Goats",
"Village Green Goat",
"Brunost",
"Gamalost",
"Geitost",
"Gudbrandsdalsost",
"Jarlsberg",
u'Nøkkelost',
"Norvegia",
"Pultost",
u'Snøfrisk',
"Edam",
"Gouda",
"Leerdammer",
"Leyden cheese",
"Maasdam",
"Old Amsterdam",
"Parrano",
"Vlaskaas",
"Camembert",
"Brie de Meaux",
"Roquefort",
"Boursin",
"Reblochon",
"Munster",
"Pont l'Évêque",
"Époisses",
"Chèvre",
"Tomme de Savoie",
"Y Fenni",
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["w3t", "splashy"]
self.templates = [Template("lobs a dolphin at $name.")]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "fractal" ]
self.templates = [ Template("zooms in on The Landlord.") ]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__( self )
self.command_mappings = [ "quiz" ]
self.questions = [
"what do you like most about your profession?",
"what do you like least?",
"how long have you been doing this?",
"should your parents have been more or less strict?",
"how was your childhood?",
"are you happy now?",
"if you could go back in time, what would you do differently?",
"if you hadn't been born in this century, when and where would you like to have lived?",
"who are your heroes?",
"who do you have no respect for?",
"what do you do in your spare time?",
"are you politically active?",
"do you do any volunteer work?",
"how has America changed in the last ten years?",
"how have you changed?",
"what's the side of you that the public never sees?",
"do you wish you had more privacy?",
"do you think the public and critics expect too much from you?",
"how hard do you push yourself?",
"when are you completely satisfied with your work?",
"why have you succeeded in a field where so many others have failed?",
"what's the magic formula for success?",
"what do you think about reincarnation?",
"how about astrology?",
"what about life on other planets?",
"what do you do to relax?",
"is there a battle of the sexes?",
"who's winning?",
"are we returning to a more romantic time?",
"how do you define macho?",
"do you believe in the traditional roles for men and women?",
"if you were a man how different do you think your career would have gone?",
"what's the most unbelievable rumor ever printed about you?",
"what was the most important day of your life?",
"do you worry about whether people like you for the real you, or because you're a celebrity?",
"do you make friends easily?",
"which do you enjoy most: a night on the town or staying in with that someone special?",
"what's your favorite pig-out food?",
"what do you do for exercise?",
"what's your favorite sports team?",
"do you think americans put too much emphasis on competition?",
"if you were president, what's the first thing you'd do?",
"what's the first song you ever remember hearing?",
"what are you listening to lately?",
"what's your favorite album by another artist?",
"what song of yours are you most proud of?",
"why?",
"are there any songs you've done that you wish you hadn't?",
"is this your first album?",
"had any of you recorded with other groups before forming _",
"how long is this tour?",
"is it possible to be out on the road and not eat any junk food?",
"people have the image that it's non-stop partying out there. is it true?",
"are you married or involved with anyone?",
"is it hard to maintain a relationship when you're out on the road?",
"when do you go back in the studio?",
"what does your contract rider call for in terms of backstage amenities?",
"what would you be doing if you weren't a musician?",
"how many guitars do you own?",
"how many songs in your home collection?",
"how do you feel about censorship?",
"do you censor yourself? have you ever written anything and then decided it was too harsh?",
"what's next for you?",
"how old were you when you started writing?",
"when did you know that this would be your profession?",
"who's your favorite author?",
"why?",
"are there any writers whose success mystifies you?",
"do you read more fiction, or non-fiction?",
"what are you reading lately?",
"what are a couple of your all-time favorite books?",
"can an author write for the pulitzer and the public at the same time?",
"publishing has become big business. has that hurt?",
"what inspired your latest book?",
"do you think television is responsible for illiteracy?",
"when you go to see a movie, do you try to read the book first?",
"many schools have banned certain books for various reasons. where do you think the line should be drawn?",
"how do you overcome writer's block?",
"have you ever written about your own bad habits?",
"do you ever feel forced to write?",
"how would you feel if a publisher wanted to condense your work?",
"who do you enjoy working with the most?",
"who is the hardest to work with?",
"how much do you draw on your own experience when you act?",
"what do you do if you find yourself acting in your real-life relationships?",
"if you could star in a re-make of a classic film, who would you want to play?",
"how do you feel about nude scenes?",
"when doing a love scene, do you imagine you're with somebody else?",
"do you think there's too much violence in tv and movies?",
"what work are you most proud of?",
"is there anything you'd done that you'd like to burn all the copies of?",
"are there any actors who turned out to be nothing like you thought they'd be?",
"if oscars were for sale, how much would you pay for one?",
"when was the last time you told a lie?",
"how do you feel about the colorization of old black and white films?",
"when a scene calls for you to display hatred, what do you think about?",
"what was your most challenging role?",
"how much of hollywood is superficial?",
"are you often compared to other actors?",
"are the movies better than ever, or are they worse?",
"why do producers feel they have to spend $100 million to make a film?",
"what's the meaning of life?",
"other than this interview, what's the stupidest thing you've ever agreed to do?",
"is there life after marriage?",
"do you believe there is intelligent life on earth?",
"when the aliens land on earth, why will you be the first person they talk to?",
"do people think you're macho?",
"if you could be any animal...what animal would you be?",
"How do you feel about botstep?",
"how would you explain the infomorph aesthetic?",
"what is a dong?",
"surely, this would be better with a dubstep beat?",
"what do you think of Marcus?",
"what do you think of Satan's hat?",
"tell me about time and c**k",
"where do mice come from?",
"can I borrow your braces?",
"how many planners does it take to make a robot?",
"what is an infomorph?",
"why?",
"what are you trying to say?",
"will it always be this way?",
"what if I trip?",
"can we?",
"where is the drop?",
"where is the drop on this botstep?",
"seriously, where is the f*****g drop?!",
"what is this shit?",
"do you think we've stolen a bit of your soul?",
"why have you sat three on a sofa?",
"are you trying to control the conversation?",
"I mean, Satan, what kind of name is that anyway?",
"seriously? seriously?",
"where the hell is Pambot?",
"where's the fish?",
"can you feel it?",
"mate, what are you on about?",
"does talking about this bother you?" ]
self.templates = [ Template("asks $name: $question"),
]
def __init__(self):
BaseCommand.__init__(self)
self.command_mappings = ["bullshit"]
self.array1 = [
"aggregates", "beta-tests", "integrates", "captures", "creates",
"designs", "disintermediates", "enables", "integrates", "posts",
"remixes", "reinvents", "shares", "syndicates", "tags",
"incentivizes", "engages", "reinvents", "harnesses", "integrates",
"aggregates", "architects", "benchmarks", "brands", "cultivates",
"delivers", "deploys", "disintermediates", "drives", "e-enables",
"embraces", "empowers", "enables", "engages", "engineers",
"enhances", "envisioneers", "evolves", "expedites", "exploits",
"extends", "facilitates", "generates", "grows", "harnesses",
"implements", "incentivizes", "incubates", "innovates",
"integrates", "iterates", "leverages", "matrixes", "maximizes",
"meshs", "monetizes", "morphs", "optimizes", "orchestrates",
"productizes", "recontextualizes", "redefines", "reintermediates",
"reinvents", "repurposes", "revolutionizes", "scales", "seizes",
"strategizes", "streamlines", "syndicates", "synergizes",
"synthesizes", "targets", "transforms", "transitions", "unleashs",
"utilizes", "visualizes", "whiteboards"
]
self.array2 = [
"AJAX-enabled", "A-list", "authentic", "citizen-media",
"Cluetrain", "data-driven", "dynamic", "embedded", "long-tail",
"peer-to-peer", "podcasting", "rss-capable", "semantic", "social",
"standards-compliant", "user-centred", "user-contributed", "viral",
"blogging", "rich-client", "24/365", "24/7", "B2B", "B2C",
"back-end", "best-of-breed", "bleeding-edge", "bricks-and-clicks",
"clicks-and-mortar", "collaborative", "compelling",
"cross-platform", "cross-media", "customized", "cutting-edge",
"distributed", "dot-com", "dynamic", "e-business", "efficient",
"end-to-end", "enterprise", "extensible", "frictionless",
"front-end", "global", "granular", "holistic", "impactful",
"innovative", "integrated", "interactive", "intuitive", "killer",
"leading-edge", "magnetic", "mission-critical", "next-generation",
"one-to-one", "open-source", "out-of-the-box", "plug-and-play",
"proactive", "real-time", "revolutionary", "rich", "robust",
"scalable", "seamless", "sexy", "sticky", "strategic",
"synergistic", "transparent", "turn-key", "ubiquitous",
"user-centric", "value-added", "vertical", "viral", "virtual",
"visionary", "web-enabled", "wireless", "world-class"
]
self.array3 = [
"APIs", "blogospheres", "communities", "ecologies", "feeds",
"folksonomies", "life-hacks", "mashups", "network effects",
"networking", "platforms", "podcasts", "value", "web services",
"weblogs", "widgets", "wikis", "synergies", "ad delivery",
"tagclouds", "action-items", "applications", "architectures",
"bandwidth", "channels", "communities", "content", "convergence",
"deliverables", "e-business", "e-commerce", "e-markets",
"e-services", "e-tailers", "experiences", "eyeballs",
"functionalities", "infomediaries", "infrastructures",
"initiatives", "interfaces", "markets", "methodologies", "metrics",
"mindshare", "models", "networks", "niches", "paradigms",
"partnerships", "platforms", "portals", "relationships", "ROI",
"synergies", "web-readiness", "schemas", "solutions",
"supply-chains", "systems", "technologies", "users", "vortals",
"web services"
]